6 Things That Suck When You're Poor

This is not something I enjoy talking about, but it’s something I can’t get out of my head. This week, I picked up a book by Mike Slaughter titled “Christmas is not your birthday.” I didn’t get very far before being so upset, I had to put it down. I sat through a board meeting of our church where our food pantry was mentioned. Around the table you could hear comments like, “I can’t imagine not having anything to eat,” to “they have money for polar pops, but not groceries.” The reason these things bother me is that I don’t fit neatly into the middle class, and hearing the middle class talk about money and the things it buys is hard.

The reason it is so hard, is because since 2007, our family has received federal and state aid (welfare) in some form. I was the first to receive that aid in the form of prenatal care. When my daughter was born, she went on Medicaid immediately. Then our family received WIC checks. Along with those aid programs, we have received aid from well-meaning richer people. While in the last few months, we have finally made it off government programs (Yeah!), we still are currently receiving aid in the form of an income-based scholarship for our youngest to go to preschool. And it has been hard.  Here are some things that have made it challenging.

Some reasons why being poor sucks:

1.      People automatically think being well-educated equals being well-off. In every job I have held as an adult, I have been surrounded by people who are paid more than me. Being in that circle, I have to be excited for vacations we can’t afford and answer questions from our kids of why don’t have the same things.

2.      When we mention that we are “those people” using the system, we have to constantly hear, “Well, not you. That’s different.” Well, actually, its people just like us. In fact, it’s people who haven’t had the opportunities we have all of our lives. It’s people who have come from worse family situations. I know, because many of them are my friends. And secretly, I often identify with them as equals more than those with equal degrees.

3.      We are everyone’s garbage can. Have furniture you don’t want? Have clothes that don’t fit? Pass them over here! Our entire house is made up of furniture that we didn’t choose. Our closets too. Want to know why my clothes don’t fit? Because they were given to me because I was “close enough” to the size of the giver. The rub is that we have to be grateful for other people’s used-up stuff. We have to learn to say thank you for food our kids won’t eat, clothes that are worn out, and broken furniture.

4.      I can’t shop where you shop, or as often as you shop. Last week, we took my daughter to Kohl’s and let her pick 2 things for the first time…from the clearance rack. You say you shop at Walmart? Don’t worry, we don’t shop there either. We shop at thrift stores. But we haven’t always been able to shop there either. One winter, I was expected to go on an international trip for seminary (talk about guilt-we have never taken the kids on a family vacation where we didn’t stay with relatives, and I HAD to go to Italy), and didn’t have the clothes. When I mentioned this to friends, one of them, well meaning, told me to just go to Goodwill. I took a deep breath before telling her, “You don’t understand. We don’t have that much money.” That’s right. I didn’t have $15 for 3-4 pairs of pants. Shopping was not a leisure activity for me. It was work. I could only afford one or two items at a time, and they had to be items that would work with everything already in my wardrobe.

5.      I can’t grab a pop or go out to eat without feeling guilty.  Even though I just spent last night finishing a major paper for my masters degree, my kid got on the honor roll, or it’s our anniversary, because I need help with my kid’s health insurance, or can’t afford $300 in basic groceries every month, I shouldn’t spend the 79 cents for a pop at the gas station or the $20 to take my kid to their favorite restaurant. Try explaining that logic to a 5 year old. Because someone helps us buy groceries, I can’t buy you ice cream for getting your first gold star in day care.

6.      Hearing the same people complain about being you being on welfare and that you are paid too much for the work you do. And hearing those same people say how, they can’t imagine not having a solid income. In the same meeting. Having the same people who set your income, give you a thanksgiving dinner because your kids qualify for reduced lunches at school. That is hard enough. But remember, they gave you a dinner, so they expect to be thanked profusely for their generosity.

I get it. It’s hard to care about the poor. We have had friends who complained about being poor, but wouldn’t get a job. We have had friends on government programs who spent money on things we didn’t agree with. But we have had lots of richer friends who spent money on things we don’t agree with. And in all fairness, we have spent money on things that you probably wouldn’t agree with. But we have also made sacrifices that you struggle to imagine. 

So my recommendation? If you are middle class, stop listening to people who make more than you describe poverty. Ask someone who receives aid, “What are some of the things that are hard because of your income level?” And not just so you can write them a check, but so you can give them what money can’t buy: respect and dignity.